Another Typical Day in the Office
by SWFreak061284
Summary: Characters from both Star Wars and Lord of the Rings are trapped in a room. What more could you want? Reviews needed.
1. Introduction

Summary: The two writer's of _The Fanny Menace_ deal with various characters that come to their office for contracts, complaints and just to wear out their welcome. Problems arise as they group fails to get out of the office for a looooong time.

Warnings: We promise nothing because as you read this, you'll see that we get into a lot of trouble. We do not own the characters only the personalities that we gave them, corrupting them for our own use. Also, our own personalities were placed in this fic, but to make it funny, we took it to extremes. Also, we are not drug users, alcohol users or over-bearing tightwads as so emphasized in our spoof. This spoof contains drug use, alcohol abuses, scantly dressed sith lords, sexually confused Elves, perverted hobbits, volience, bad use of plot ideas, destruction of Lucas' and Tolkien's ideas and any other movie we borrowed from.

Special thanks: I, Sie, would like to thank my buds (you know who you are because I mentioned you in my last spoof) for their encouragment and especially my best bud, who co-wrote this spoof with me. Without her help, it wouldn't be near as funny if I had wrote it myself. Thanks!

Author's note: It helps to have read _The Fanny Menace_ and _Lord of the Pills: Dysfunctional Chaos_, but it's not required. Both are great spoofs! ;-)

Another Typical Day in the Office

By: Tiarra and Sierra

Day 1

Introduction

[Somewhere in a big city not as far away as you hoped, there is an office where the Academy Award winning writers of _The Fanny Menace_ go to conjure up ideas and write them down for the sake of making people laugh. The two enter their office through one door, in the center of the office. The room is separated only by the color of the walls and carpet clashing forming an invisible line between the them. Sierra (Sie) after entering walks to the right, sits down and leans back in her chair placing her feet on her desk. Tiarra (Ti) after entering walks to the left, sits down in her desk properly and begins to adjust the things on her desk.

Sie's office consist of light lavender walls with light beige carpet soft to the touch. Her desk is ordered in such a way that she could find something while others are left baffled. On her desk is a laptop, a notebook, a few books, scattered documents of importance and a bottle of Lithium. In the corner of her desk is a remote that allows her access to the hidden stashes behind the walls that rotate to reveal a nice supply alcohol, a fridge, a small library, and a huge stereo. Hanging on the walls are various poster of rock bands such as Nickelback, Linkin Park, Fuel and Bon Jovi. In the far corner is a dark lavender couch big enough to sit three people. Sie herself is wearing blue jeans, covered in holes with two large one's at the knees, a short white shirt with a light plaid shirt over it, her class ring dangling on a chain around her neck.

Her partner' side of the office consists of pink walls with lace draperies with a soft pearl white spotless carpet. She sits in a single desk; behind the desk is a "throne" chair. Upon the desk, sits a computer (with a few dents because Ti is not a computer person) directly in the center along with various knick-knacks each in its own place, including a Garfield comic strip, day-to-day calendar. Everything is perfectly organized right down to the pile of stuffed animals in the corner (also containing her bunny, Binky). She has a pink couch in the corner. A big picture of herself and her cat hangs on the wall behind her desk, along with a picture of "HER" city, Dallas, TX. The walls of her office open up into a small "kitchen" with a mini fridge containing a supply of cheesecake and chocolate mint cups. Also, there is a coffee maker and cappuccino machine. Her other room is a "dressing room" in which there is a full length mirror, vanity, and a closet full of dresses. On the wall adjacent to her desk hang pictures of various figure skaters. In each area of her office, there hangs at least three calendars. Tiarra is wearing a off-white skirt with matching blouse. Her hair is perfectly fixed, along with her make-up perfectly done.]

Sie, looking over at her bud: Are the auditions the only thing we're waiting for on this spoof?

Ti: Yes, and according to my schedule book, Anakin is coming over today around 1:00. I can't wait till he gets here. (smiles and looks dreamily into her schedule book)

Sie, smiling and laughing softly: Ok, anyway....(Her door opens to an angry Jedi walking towards her desk.)

Obi-Wan, furious with Qui-Gon behind him: I can't believe you have not paid me for the damages! I tried not to take this to court, but your leaving me no choice.

Sie, un-phased: Didn't I tell you to take your kilt and go home?

Obi-Wan, more angry: My contract forbids me to become harmed in anyway. I deserve some compensation.

Sie, looking at Qui-Gon: Are you here for the same reason?

Qui-Gon: I just came to make sure he didn't make an idiot of himself.

Ti: Where is Anakin; he's ten seconds late!

[There's a long pause till Sie pulls out a contract, Obi-Wan's, then reads it.]

Sie, reading: " I will do whatever Tiarra and Sierra want. X's and O's, Obi-Wan" (Obi-Wan takes the contract while Qui-Gon laughs.)

Qui-Gon: That's what you get for signing the contract while your drunk.

Ti, frustrated: He's 30 seconds late!

Sie, to Obi-Wan: You--go see Tiarra about your Episode 2 spoof contract. (to Qui-Gon) Since you're here, you've been drafted to make a cameo appearance as a ghost. Go talk to Tiarra about your contract.

[Both walk over to Ti's desk. Obi-Wan plops down in the chair across from her desk and swings his feet up on her desk. Qui-Gon just stands behind him.]

Ti, giving Obi-Wan an evil look: If you want to keep your feet, you had better get them off of MY desk right NOW!!

[Obi-Wan quickly moves his feet.]

Obi-Wan: About my next contract, I want full medical coverage, both physical and mental, free meals everyday, more kissing scenes with females, no more gay guys chasing after me--

[Just then Maul appears in nothing but boxers and asks...]

Maul: Has anyone seen my ship!?

Obi-Wan, banging head on Ti's desk: Why me?

Sie: No, we haven't seen your ship! Why are you here? If you have a complaint, see me. If you need a new contract, talk to Tiarra.

[Maul just stands in the middle of the room not knowing what he's suppose to be doing.]

Obi-Wan, still making demands: I also want say so in any changes in the script, most importantly, NO MORE JAR-JAR, oh, also a full partnership.

Ti, sarcastically: Is that all? (looks at watch) Anakin's 5 minutes late!

[Nineteen year old Anakin Skywalker enters the door; Ti immediately perks up with a huge grin on her face, shoves Obi-Wan out of the chair, and motions Anakin to sit down. He does so.]

Obi-Wan, still talking: If you don't meet all of my demands, I won't do the Episode 2 spoof, and let's face it, you have to have me. I'm the main character!

[Sie and Ti shakes their heads vigorously.]

Ti, to Obi-Wan: We don't need you in this next movie! We could have Anakin kill you before Episode 2.

Anakin: Sounds good to me!

[Obi-Wan goes for his lightsaber.]

Obi-Wan, to Qui-Gon: Master! 

[Qui-Gon grabs Obi-Wan to hold him back.]

Qui-Gon: Let him live, Obi-Wan!

Ti, producing Obi-Wan a contract: Here, sign on the line, and I don't want to hear anymore of your complaints.

Qui-Gon: Make sure you read it this time.

[Obi-Wan, without doing so, signs it. Tiarra hands the contract over to Sierra, who hides it in her desk for safe keeping.]

Sie: I sense more complaining coming on.

[As if by command, Frodo and Sam walk in beside one another, give Maul, who is still standing in the middle of the room, a quizzical glance and immediately go over to Sierra's desk.]

Sie, leaning over desk to look at the short hobbits: Can I help you?

Sam: I detest the fact that you made me gay in your last spoof!

Sie: Well, I thought it was funny, and so did a lot of other people.

Frodo: I know that wasn't in our contract.

[Sie pulls out their contracts which say "We will do whatever Sierra wants. Love, Frodo and Sam."]

Ti, listening in from her desk, slightly baffled: How do you get people to sign those?

Sie, pulling out liquor cabinet: Quite easily, actually.

Ti: Right....anyway.....back to Anakin. So, Anakin, what's your middle name? What's your astrological sign? If you could go anywhere, where would you go and why? If you were hurt on a set, would you try to sue us? (glares at Obi-Wan then turns to face Anakin again) Is your lightsaber green or is it blue? Are you seeing anybody?

Anakin: What does this have to do with the spoof?

[Sie, listening in on the conversation, snickers in the back ground.]

Ti, handing him a contract: Sign here! (to Qui-Gon) And here's your contract for your brief appearance as a ghost!

[Qui-Gon reads carefully over the contract, searching for any loopholes, finds none and signs. Tiarra gives both Anakin and Qui-Gon's signed contracts to Sierra]

Sie, under her breath: Got a couple of more suckers!

Frodo, who was griping the whole time: Are you listening to me!?

Sie: Oh....yeah......continue.

Frodo: As I was saying......(He goes through long drawn out speech that takes 20 minutes.)

Sie, distracted: Huh? did you say something?

[Both hobbits scream. Next Legolas and Aragorn enter, glance at Maul, who is STILL standing in the middle of the room, and walk to Sierra's desk, while Tiarra still chats away with Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, and Anakin.]

Sie, holding up hand before Legolas even gets a chance to say anything: Let me guess, you have a complaint.

Leg: Yes! I detest the fact that you made me straight!

Sie, doing a double take: Excuse me!?

Leg, proudly: That's right, I am gay!

[Everybody stops what they're doing and looks at Legolas. All males, especially Aragorn, move away a few feet, except for Maul, who moves a few feet closer.]

Aragorn: Had I known this, I wouldn't have followed you here.

[At this point, Gandalf suddenly appears out of thin air.]

Gandalf: Hey, this doesn't look like the Shire? Where am I?

Sie: Welcome to our office, do you have a complaint or do you need a contract?

Gandalf, baffled: Uh.....

Sie, looks at Lord of the Rings characters: Ok, everyone with a complaint about being gay stand on this side (signals to her right side) All who are complaining about being straight, stand over here (signals to her left) .

[Hobbits move to right, Leg moves to left, while Gandalf and Aragorn remain in the middle, perplexed]

Aragorn: What about us?

Sie: Would you like to be given a complaint or would you rather sit on the couch and wait?

[Both sit on the couch. Story pans back to Tiarra's side of the room while she carries on a conversation with her Star Wars men.]

Tiarra: .....so anyway, have you seen Moulin Rouge? (looks at Obi-Wan) Obi-Wan, why are you still here? I'm through with you; you can leave.

[Obi-Wan gets up, walks over to the door and tries pull it open.]

Obi-Wan, trying to talk above the conversational buzz in the room: I can't get the door open!

[Noise suddenly ceases as Obi-Wan raises his voice.]

Obi-Wan, yelling: I CAN'T GET THE DOOR OPEN!!!!

Ti: All right, you don't have to yell. 

[Sie gets up to check the door and finds it locked.]

Sie, to Ti: Ti, did you lock the door by any chance?

Ti, defensively: NO! I didn't lock it! (gets up and tries door) Did you lock it?

Si, worried: No, I didn't.

Obi-Wan, pulling out lightsaber: Let me handle this, ladies; this is a man's job. (Qui-Gon shakes his head.)

[Obi-Wan hacks away at the door which, does not dent. After a while, he's out of breath. Anakin busts out laughing while Sie and Ti roll their eyes]

Sie: Man's work, right. We have lightsaber proof doors.

Ti: Obi-Wan, go sit on the couch!

[Obi-Wan sulks over to the couch while Gandalf steps up and speaks in several tongues, trying to open the door. Still no luck. Gandalf turns and looks at Sie and Ti.]

Sie: We have a magic proof door.

[Everyone looks perplexed.]

Sie: I've had some problems in the past.

[Everyone is more confused.]

Sie: Well, since we're all stuck here together....Lord of the Rings characters, meet Star Wars characters.....Star Wars characters meet Lord of the Rings characters....talk amongst yourselves.

[Sierra goes back to her desk, sits in her chair and plops her feet back on her desk. Meanwhile, Tiarra climbs up on her desk to make an announcement, catching the ear of everyone in the room.]

Tiarra, waving arms: Hey, everybody! Ok, this how it's going to be--

Sie, under breath: Oh, no here we go again!

Tiarra: I want all the Lord of the Ring's characters on Sierra's side of the room, and all Star Wars characters on my side of the room. You will each be assigned an area in the room, and you will stay there! Most importantly, (slightly demonic voice) YOU WILL NOT TOUCH "MY" STUFF!!!

[Everyone gets worried, except for Sierra, who remains undaunted.]

Sie: She does this all the time, just humor her.

Tiarra: Here are the rules--you are not allowed to move from your spot unless I give you permission to. You will do as I tell you.....

[ She babbles on until Aragorn gets tired of her, picks her up and slings her over his shoulder so that he can set her in her "throne".]

Ti, kicking and screaming: I demand you put me down this instance! This is no way to treat a lady! Sierra, help me!

Sie, shaking her head: You brought it upon yourself.

Ti: Obi-Wan, help!!

Obi-Wan, laughing: Oh, now you want my help!! Maybe we should re-think that contract!

[Aragorn ties Ti up and gags her. Sierra high fives Aragorn for work nicely done. Sierra grabs her remote, pushes buttons, and everyone stares in awe as the wall turns to show a huge stereo system.]

Sie: We may be trapped, but we got tunes!! 

[Sie gets up and dances with everybody else, as Sam sneaks over to free Tiarra.]

Ti, relieved: Thank you.....uh......hobbit!?

Sam: Anything, love, my name is Sam by the way, You know your the most beautiful person I've ever seen and the most forceful woman.....

Ti, cuts him off: Right, Anakin? (goes in search of Anakin, while Sam follows closely behind. Instead of spotting Anakin, she spots Obi-Wan and goes over to slap him)

Ti, sarcastically to Obi-Wan: Thanks for the help!

Sie, seeing this: I think I'll just stay away from her for a while. (notices a love-struck Frodo looking at her)

Sie, to Frodo: What are you looking at?

Frodo: You know, when you directed the Lord of the Rings spoof, I never noticed how beautiful you were!

Sie: Is that why you tied me up towards the end and directed the rest of the spoof?

Frodo, frowning: But then I never realized how you truly were.

Sie, moves feet off the desk, preparing to get up: Right, I'm just going over here (points in no real direction)

Frodo: I'd give up the ring for you! (At this point, Sie runs with Frodo close behind.) Come back precious!

Sie, looking at Gandalf: Have you been casting love spells again. (Gandalf just laughs.)

[Story pans to Maul and Legolas who have become "quite close".]

Maul: .....don't you think he's cute (referring to Obi-Wan)

Legolas: Yeah, he really is!

Maul: So, where in the heck are you from?

Legolas: Well, I'll lived in Mirkwood for most of my life. I traveled with the hobbits and Aragorn because we have this ring to destroy...

Mau:, interrupting: That's already too much plot to deal with. Care to dance?

[Story pans to whole group. While music plays, Gandalf and Qui-Gon are on the couch talking about various philosophies, Aragorn is dancing alone, Sierra's still running from Frodo, Maul and Legolas are dancing together, Obi-Wan is standing in a corner pouting, and Tiarra is sitting on the couch beside Anakin, scootching closer to him. Anakin falls off the couch, trying to get away from Tiarra, then gets up and scrambles over to Obi-Wan. Sam seizes the opportunity and jumps (literally) onto the couch beside Tiarra, who also scrambles off the couch and runs over to Anakin and Obi-Wan. Things go one like this for a while, until nighttime.]

Night Time

Sleeping Arrangements

[As the music begins to died down, everyone is ready to go to sleep but is afraid to. Gandalf and Qui-Gon are still slouched on the couch, just chilln', Aragorn is asleep in a corner, and Sierra's sitting in her chair, feet, once again, propped on her desk. She has a look of despair, as a hobbit remains clung to her; she has given up trying to run from Frodo. Maul and Legolas are sleeping in the same corner, Obi-Wan is wide-eyed, sitting against the wall, hoping that Maul and Legolas stay asleep, so that perhaps he can get some sleep, Anakin is sprawled out on the other couch, asleep, with Tiarra sitting on the floor beside it, looking miserable with Sam wrapped around her waist.]

Ti, looking at Obi-Wan: Why aren't you asleep.

Obi-Wan: In case you haven't noticed, I'm being stalked by two men!

Sie: But they're asleep.

[Qui-Gon, still awake, laughs at Obi-Wan's predicament.]

Obi-Wan: It's not funny, Master!

Maul, raising his head: Master? Kinky!

[At this, all heads raise. Obi-Wan bangs his head on the wall.]

Legolas: Did someone say "kinky"?

Sie, sighing: This is going to be a long night.

[Tiarra realizes that Sam has finally fallen asleep, and attempts to escape from his grasp Once free, she begins to make another speech.]

Ti: Ok, this is not going to work. Y'all, listen! I'm going to assign sleeping spots!

Obi-Wan, frowning: Did you just say "y'all"? (begins to laugh and make fun of her)

Ti: Obi-Wan, your sleeping by Maul and Legolas!

[Maul and Legolas both come to claim Obi-Wan, who looks like he could cry at the thought.]

Ti: Ok, next, Sam you're sleeping on Sierra's side of the office with her and Frodo.

Sie, glaring at Ti, with sarcasm: Oh, your too kind.

Ti: Aragorn.....(sees he's still asleep) is fine where he is. Gandalf and Qui-Gon.....y'all are fine too. (Obi-Wan snickers.) I guess that leaves... Anakin! (Anakin quickly moves to Sierra's side of the office and hides under the desk.).....Well, alright....you can sleep there.

Anakin, to Sierra: Is it ok if I sleep under here.

Sierra, a bit taken back: Uh.....sure. I feel your pain (looks at Frodo and mumbles to herself) Why can't I find a desk to crawl under?

Tiarra, grabbing her Binky and opening the door to dressing room: I'm sleeping in here.


	2. Random Characters Run-a-muck

Day Two

Random Characters Run-a-muck

[About 8:00 am Tiarra wakes very rested in her dressing room. She combs her hair, puts on her make-up and changes into a pink dress. She comes out seeing Sierra sleeping with her feet still propped on her desk with Frodo on one side, Sam on the other side, and Anakin still under her desk. Obi-Wan sits wide-eyed between Maul and Legolas, Gandalf and Qui-Gon are sitting on the couch, asleep. Qui-Gon has his head down, while Gandalf has his head leaned back, snoring. Aragorn is curdled up in the corner still.]

Ti, walking over then poking Sie: Hey, wake up!

[Sie, not morning person, wakes up mad, sees that the hobbits are asleep, climbs over her desk and hops off the other side.]

Sie: I'm free!! I'm free!!

Ti, yelling: Hey! Everyone wake up!!!!

[Everyone awakens, not to their liking, with disheveled hair and clothing . They all begin to get up while Tiarra notices her porcelain teddy bear on her desk has been moved one centimeter.]

Ti, very angry: Who moved MY bear!!!?

[Everyone quiets, and Sam grows pale as he ducks behind Sierra]

Ti, spotting Sam: Sam! Did you move my bear?

Sam: You mean like this?

[Sam steps up to her desk and moves it again.]

Ti: Stop it!!

[Sam moves her pen that sits on the right side of her desk to the left.]

Ti, very annoyed: That goes on the right! Put it back!

[Sam moves her calendar. Tiarra reaches for Sam but is held back by Sierra.]

Sam, to Tiarra: You're so cute when you're mad.

[All of a sudden Jar-Jar appears (we don't know how, so don't ask).]

Jar-Jar: Mesa Jar-Jar Binks!

[Tiarra motions for Obi-Wan to get Jar-Jar. He does so by pulling out his lightsaber and slicing and dicing the creature to small pieces. Everyone (except Anakin) cheers.]

Anakin: Oh my god! He killed Jar-Jar!....again. (to Obi-Wan) You Bastard!!

Maul: That's gotta hurt!

Lord of the Rings characters: Who was that, and why are we cheering?

Sie: You don't want know and consider yourself lucky. (pulls out phone knowing a lawsuit is coming)

[Strutting in, Boromir has a smile on his face. All of sudden, six arrows from some an unknown source come flying through the air and hit Boromir. He falls back dead.]

Frodo: Oh my god, they killed Boromir!....again.

Qui-Gon: That's the second person that's walked in and hasn't walked out.

Tiarra, serveying the dead: What are we going to do with the bodies?

Sie: I'll put them with the others.

[Everyone gives her a questionable look.]

Gandalf: Others?

Sie: I've had some problems.

[Next, a really hott professional tennis player runs in, panting, with a racket in his hand. He looks around and runs out. Everybody is now confused. They are even more confused when a girl runs in after him.]

Sie and Ti, to girl: Megan?

Megan: Has anybody seen Andy Roddick come through here?

[Everybody points in various directions, and she runs out through an unknown exit. Next, Lancelot comes through riding a horse.]

Lance: Have any of you good men and beautiful ladies (know noticing Sie and Ti) seen Guenevere?

[Everyone shakes their heads, baffled, as he rides out. Everyone looks around stunned until Padme walks in.]

Padme: Hi, I'm here to get my Episode 2 spoof contract.

[Tiarra sits at her desk as she makes out the contract, hands it over to Padme to sign. She reads it, signs and gets up to go out.]

Padme: Thanks. (She starts to leaves as Obi-Wan chases her only to get the door shut in his face.)

Obi-Wan, whining: I just want out! 

Gandalf: Great.

[The sound of footsteps approaching the room is heard. The door opens to a group of five guys of various clothes and styles. They make their way towards Sie's desk and look around at the peculiar assortment of characters.]

Linkin Park member #1: Who the hell is in charge here? (At this point, he receives a slap from Ti about language.)

[Sie walks to her desk, props her feet up and smiles.]

Sie, very cheerful: Yes, how can I assist you?

Linkin Park member #2: Yeah, you the chick who put one of our songs in your parody?

Sie, slightly sarcastic: I guess so. Any problems with that?

Linkin Park member #2: Those songs are copyright! We either want to be paid for the use of the song, or we'll sue you!

Sie, glances at Obi-Wan then back to the group: Take a number on the lawsuit. Oh, (pulls out a contract from Linkin Park and reads from it) "You can borrow any song needed for the butchering of Lord of the Rings. Rock on babe, Linkin Park"

[A few sighs are heard from the members, and a few shoves are seen as the group prepares to leave the room. At a distance a few sentence such as "How could you let her get away with that?" and "Why'd you sign it?" are heard as the group exits.]

Ti, shaking her head in major disappointment: Is there anyone you didn't anger while you were filming your spoof?

Sie, in a cheerful tone: No, I think that's it. Besides, it nothing I can't handle.

[At that moment the roar of an engine is heard, and we see Lara Croft on a motorcycle with an Uzizi in hand entering the room from what it looks like a major fight. She pauses looks around eyeing everyone carefully.]

Lara, with a heavy British accent: I'm guessing I'm not in London anymore.

Ti: Go to through downtown till you come to an exit, take it and follow that road to an airport. You can't miss it.

Lara: Thanks. (prepares to leave only for all the guys, except Legolas and Maul, to chase after the cycling chick. Lara exits in some unknown fashion, and the men are still trapped.]

Ti, to Sie: You'd think that was their fist time to see a woman.

[Suddenly, none other than Yoda comes in. The hobbits see him and begin to laugh.]

Hobbits: Hah, Hah! There's somebody shorter than us.

[At this, Yoda begins to smack the hobbits with his cane.]

Yoda: Size matters not.

Legolas: Yes it does!

[All stare at Legolas. Yoda exits. Awkward silence follows, until another girl, Susan busts in.]

Susan, to Sie and Ti: I demand that Legolas be straight!! (spots Legolas, ties him up and makes off with him) I'm going to make you straight!! (She leaves.)

Maul: NO!!

Obi-Wan: Yes! One down, one to go!

[Now that our day of random characters has come to an end, we go to nightfall where Ti busy assigning sleeping buddies.]

Ti: Ok, me and Sierra are going to sleep in my room, Qui-Gon and Gandalf have the couch, again, and Frodo and Sam have a spot on the floor. Anakin...I guess you and Aragorn can share a corner, which leaves Obi-Wan and....(grins evilly)....Maul!

[Ti and Sie retreat to Ti's room, leaving everyone to fend for themselves.]


	3. A Brisk Bout with Death

Day 3: The Next Morning

A Brisk Bout with Death

[Sie and Ti awaken and get dressed. Ti once again changes into a new outfit, a short plaid skirt and khaki shirt, while Sie changes into a long black skirt with two high slits and white no-sleeve shirt. They enter the main office only to see....Aragorn, Obi-Wan, Maul, and Anakin sprawled out, weapons drawn, with blood, bruises, black eyes, and cuts. Gandalf is tied to Sie's chair with his beard braided with bows and eyebrows tweezed. Behind Gandalf a single frog hops around. Qui-Gon now has the couch to himself and is sleeping. Frodo is under Sie's desk with sword drawn. He awakens, sees Sie and runs to hug her.]

Sie, not noticing him: What the living Hell happened?

Ti, hitting her in the arm: Hey! We don't need that kind of language! Why is their blood on my carpet?! (gets a psycho/ Carrie look on her face) There's blood on my pearl white carpet! That is never going to come out! Someone has to pay for this!

[While Ti is ranting and raving about her carpet, Sie goes to her desk, pulls out a med-kit and begins helping the wounded. Meanwhile, Ti wakes Qui-Gon up for an explanation.]

Qui-Gon: Well, it all started when Obi-Wan killed Jar-Jar....

Obi-Wan, regaining consciousness: Oh yeah! lay all the blame on me. Anakin attacks me, and I get blamed. You always liked him better than me anyway. (falls back over)

Qui-Gon: So anyway, Anakin was mad at Obi-Wan and attacked him. They duke it out for a while until Obi-Wan brought his lightsaber into it, and Anakin did the same. By then, Maul has joined in, and Aragorn has brought his sword into it as well. They fought for a while.

Sie, tending Anakin: So, who won?

Qui-Gon: Well, no one really, they just all gave up at the same time. 

[Meanwhile, Sie is finishing up Anakin after working on Aragorn and Maul. She motions for Frodo.]

Sie: Make yourself useful and help Obi-Wan.....be rough. This was probably his fault, anyway.

Ti: Ok, I get those four on the ground but what is the meaning of this, (points to Gandalf) and where's Sam?

Qui-Gon: Well...that's a long story...see after the four were knocked out and everyone was asleep, Frodo and Sam decided to be practical jokers and tied Gandalf up braiding bows in his beard. In the end, Gandalf turned Sam into a frog. 

[Eventually, the four begin to regain consciousness and get up moaning and groaning as they try to stand.]

Obi-Wan, trying to explain: It's not my fault! He (points at Anakin) tried to kill me!

Anakin: You tried to kill me first!

Obi-Wan: That was along time ago...you were a kid.

Anakin: Exactly! 

Obi-Wan: Master, help me out here!

Qui-Gon: Nope.

Obi-Wan: You like him better than me! 

Ti: Not this again.

Sie, stepping in: Ok, no more bloodshed. (to Qui-Gon) You were the one who taught Obi-Wan.

Qui-Gon, holding up his hands: Oh no, that was all Yoda. Obi-Wan never listened to me, anyway.

Anakin, to Qui-Gon: How could you let him train me? Are you crazy? No wonder I turn to the dark side. It's all Obi-Wan's fault.

Sie, stepping in again: That's enough, let's not go into this again. (sighs) Frodo I need to borrow your sword.

[Frodo gives up his sword a little to happily while Sie goes over to Gandalf.]

Sie: Ok, if you turn Sam back into a hobbit, I'll free you.

Ti: No, that's ok...really.

Gandalf: No! You have no idea what that little hobbit did to me!

Sie, threateningly: Either you turn Sam back to normal, or I'll cut your beard off.

Gandalf, hesitantly: Well....Ok. (turns Sam back to normal and is freed by Sie)

[ Sam runs over to Tiarra and hugs her.]

Sam, to Ti: You have really nice..... (pauses and everyone looks at the hobbit slightly worried at what he's going to say) knees!

Gandalf, standing up and looking at Sam clinging to Ti: If you ever pull that stunt again, I'll--

Sam, griping Ti more in fear: Oh, please don't turn me into a frog again, or anything else unnatural for that matter.

Sie, coming between the two: Ok, settle down; last night is over; lets try to be friendly. Gandalf, no more magic? (stares at Gandalf till he nods a yes) Sam! Frodo! No more jokes, or you will be punished...

Frodo, raising an eyebrow: Punished? (rolls tongue)

Sie, glaring with a look that could kill: No more jokes.

[Both hobbits nod a yes to the agreement, and Sierra retrieves her chair from Gandalf, wheels it over to her desk and props her feet up, as usual, forgetting that she's wearing a dress, not noticing that she's flashing everyone in sight.]

Ti: Uh, Sie...you might not want to sit like that.

[Sie, now noticing, quickly puts her feet down.]

Sie: Ok, who saw that? (Everyone raises their hand, some a little to happily.) Crap.

Sam, to Sie: You have really nice--

[Ti grabs Sam and covers his mouth.]

Frodo: I like your black, lacy underwear.

[Author's Note: I don't own any pairs of lacy underwear!]

[Sie reaches over and takes her Lithium.]

Ti, sitting in her desk: After all the fights, the complaints...

Sie, knowing what Ti's going to say: Don't say it.

Ti, continuing: ...the personality problems, the territorial differences...

Sie, shaking her head slightly: Don't say it!

Ti: Things can't get any worse.

[A second after Ti said that, the lights go out leaving everyone in utter darkness.]

Sie, very annoyed: You just HAD to say it. 

[A rustling of people getting up and moving is heard. A curse word that can't be described is heard from Obi-Wan as he hits the wall. Laughing is heard from the back of the office that sounds like Anakin's and Aragorn's. Sie feels something touch her leg at which point she freaks and climbs on her desk the best she can. Ti fumbles through the darkness looking for a flash light.]

Ti: Sie! Where's the flashlight?

Sie: It's in my top desk drawer!

Ti, reaching for the darkness: That's very helpful (rather irritated) considering I'm in the dark!

[Ti, groping in the darkness, stumbles and lands on top of somebody. In the background struggling is heard between what it sounds like Maul and Aragorn. Sie slowly jumps off her desk, falls over also landing on top of someone. The lights come on to reveal Maul holding Aragorn very close, Frodo on the ground looking for something, Sam clinging to Gandalf, Ti on top of Qui-Gon and Sie on top of Anakin. Awkward silence falls as the group remains confused then Maul lets go of Aragorn turning a shade redder than he already is, Frodo continues to look for something on the ground, Sam lets go of Gandalf also a shade red, and Ti gets off of Qui-Gon a shade red. Ti spots Sie getting off of Anakin and freaks out.]

Ti, to Sie: Traitor!!!

Sie, more confused and red in the face herself: Pardon?

Ti: How dare you try to take my man away! I thought I laid claims to him before. So, the whole light thing was just a way to get with Anakin!

Sie, missing what the heck Ti's talking about: Slow down a sec--

[Before Sie finishes, Ti walks to Aragorn, grabs his sword and dashes to Sie with sword ready.]

Sie, now frightened: Whoa ...I didn't mean to land on Anakin! I swear! Put the sword down!

[Ti swings the sword down only for Sie to doge left. Ti notices now that she has cut her carpet where her sword landed.]

Ti, wigging: Now look what you made me do! I cut my carpet! (goes after Sie)

[Everyone else watches happy to see a cat fight. Ti slashes a dozen times at Sie, but Sie manages to duck/dodge or move out of the way. Sie spins and kicks Ti's sword away. Then, Ti tackles Sie trying to choke her.]

Sie, in between gasps: Look, I don't have designs for you guy! Lay off!

[Finally, Aragorn and Anakin break the two apart with Aragorn getting Sie and Anakin grabbing Ti.]

Qui-Gon, slightly sarcastic: They was the most interesting thing I've seen those two do.

Gandalf: I thought they were the sane ones of the bunch.

[Aragorn sets a slightly shaken Sie in her desk chair just as Anakin sets a very pissed Ti in her chair.]

Frodo, racing to Sie's side: Oh, you poor girl! (sees his ring under her chair and goes under it to fetch it but gets up, knocks Sie and the chair over. Sie goes tumbling down.)

Frodo: Eep!

Obi-Wan: I think she's dead.

Ti, looking slightly guiltily: I hope she isn't. (goes to Sie's side) Oh no...she's gone! The fighting! The hobbit! She just couldn't take it!

Frodo, now by Sie's side: I knew I should have helped her.

[Sie awakes and looks up to see Ti and Frodo crouched over her.]

Sie: I'm all right.

[Frodo and Ti continue to babble on about a dead Sierra.]

Sie: I'm alive!

[Ti and Frodo realize that she's fine. Ti smiles and helps Sie up. Frodo hugs Sie too tightly for her liking.]

Sie: Let me go. NOW!!

[Frodo runs away, and things resume as normal as they can under the circumstances. Time passes slowly as the group do their own things. Out of nowhere Legolas is thrown back into the room with a messed up hair and clothes. He looks frantic and surprised to be back into the room. Maul smiles a bit and goes and helps Legolas up.]

Legolas, more or less unnerved: I'm so confused! I need some time to think!

Ti, looking at the distressed Elf: How did you manage to escape Susan?

Legolas, sighing: Her process of trying to make me straight didn't work out too well. I just need to think about the past day. (goes and sits in the center of the room away from everyone)

Sie, grabbing her bottle of Lithium: Care for some?

[He nods and takes some. Then, nightfall comes .]


	4. Creature in the Night & An Unexpected Vi...

Nighttime: One week later

Creature in the Night

[In the dead of night, something crawls in from some unknown source. The company remains asleep with Ti and Sie sleeping on their couches, Qui-Gon in Sie's chair, feet propped up, Gandalf on the floor, Frodo beside Sie's couch, Sam beside Ti's couch, Anakin and Aragorn in one corner, Obi-Wan asleep standing against the wall, Maul stretched out in another corner and Legolas sleeping on his back practically in the center of the room. As the creature moves from one person to the other searching for something, Legolas' Elvish ears hear the creature.]

Legolas, faking sleep: What is that? (gets up and quietly follows the creature that has now moved to Gandalf and Qui-Gon.)

Creature: Where's our precious? We can't find it...

Legolas, still watching: I've heard that voice before.

[Legolas grabs his bow from the other side of the room and aims for the creature, but because of stress, his aim is off, and he nearly hits Sam in the head and punchers Ti's couch. The creature darts to Ti's closet, shuts the door and locks it. Legolas leans against Sie's desk and falls asleep there.]

Next Morning

An Unexpected Visitor

[The group awakes up to a bright yet cheerless morning. They have yet to find a way out and still wonder how the rest of the random characters got in or out. The company gets up and filters to different parts of the room. Gandalf and Qui-Gon are once again conversing while Sam and Frodo converse about their plans for Sie and Ti domination. Anakin and Aragorn are exploring the wonderful world of liquor courtesy of Sie, who is now back to her jeans and normal attire. She props her feet up on her desk and leans back closing her eyes, as if to sleep again. Ti is still in her couch drifting on and off in sleep as well. Obi-Wan joins Anakin and Aragorn deciding a little drink couldn't hurt. Legolas leans against a wall and staring at the wall across as if in deep thought. Maul has joined Obi-Wan, Anakin and Aragorn for drinks, and the four from the fight before are now drinking together as friends.]

Ti, finally getting up: How long have we been here?

Qui-Gon, answering: I think for 11 days now.

[Ti sighs and gets up from her chair and notices the arrow in it. She has her mouth gaped for a second till she regains speech.]

Ti, slightly freaking out: Why is there an arrow in "MY" couch!?

[No one says anything ignoring her. Ti walks to her dozing friend.]

Ti, to Sie: Do you know about this arrow?

Sie, fading between waking and dreaming: Huh...yeah sure...whatever you say...

[Ti grabs her friend by the shoulders and shakes her till she wakes up fully.]

Sie, now startled awake: What?

Ti: I have an arrow in my chair! Do you know anything about this?

Sie, rather annoyed: Do I look like I have a bow and arrow on me?

[Ti walks back to her desk, plops down in her throne and goes to flip her Garfield calendar only to see it not there. She checks her desk, under and around it.]

Ti, now yelling: Who took my Garfield day-to-day calendar that always sat in this spot? (points to spot)

[Most of the group shrugs their shoulders and resume to what they were doing. Ti looks around eyeing Sam knowing he touches things on her desk.]

Ti, to Sam: I want my calendar back!!!

Sam, wide eye in fear: I don't have it, love! I swear!

Sie, to Ti: Could you have misplaced it?

Ti, giving her a don't-start-with-me look: Excuss me!? Me miplace something? Have you gone crazy? Maybe I "misplaced" your ring, too!!

Sie, looking oddly at Ti: I have my ring though. (Ti gives smiles, and Sie notices that her necklace containing her ring is gone.)

Sie, loudly enough for all to hear: I guess we have a thief amongst us.

[Most of the group laughs till they notice that they too have missing belongings.]

Frodo: The Ring of power is gone!

Gandalf: My staff!

Maul, Obi-Wan, Anakin, and Qui-Gon, in unison: My lightsaber is gone!

Aragorn: I can't find my cloak and sword.

Legolas: My bow is gone! (Ti eyes Legolas evilly.)

Ti, to Legolas: So you were the one that put a hole in my couch!

Legolas, staggering to speak: But I thought--

Sam: Someone took the lock of Ti's hair I had! (Ti eyes Sam more evilly than ever before.)

Ti, with yet again a psycho look to her: My hair! You cut my hair! (Sie grabs Ti's shoulder and holds her back.)

Sie, now eyeing Frodo: Have you cut any of my hair?

Frodo, trying to look innocent despite the fact he has an evil grin on his face: No, I never got a lock of your hair.

Legolas, quietly: I think I know who took our stuff.

Sie, to Frodo more concerned: What do you have of mine?

[Frodo quickly pulls out the black lacey underwear from a week ago, flashes it for a second then places it in his tunic pocket for safe keeping. Sie's mouth gapes a bit.]

Sie, astonished: How did you get those!? (darts after the hobbit ready to kill) Perverted little hobbit!

[While Sie chases the hobbit, Qui-Gon just laughs.]

Legolas, keeping his voice quiet: I think the person who took our things darted into the closet last night. (No one hears him still.)

Qui-Gon, laughing: I would pay money to know how that hobbit came up with that underwear.

Gandalf, looking slightly embarrassed: Didn't teach Frodo that.

Legolas, now audible: I bet the creature that took our things is still there...in fact it's probably still in the closet.

Ti, sighing: Why didn't you mention this before?

Legolas: I did!

[At the sound of this Sie quits the chase and is joined by the rest who go to Ti's closet. Ti tries to open the door only to find it locked. The group sighs at the thought of yet another locked door. Aragorn, Anakin and Obi-Wan decide to try and hit the door with their shoulders. They attempt this three times only for the door to open and for them run through it and tumble into the closet. Everyone laughs until they see a creature dart out with most of their items and jump on Ti's desk.]

Creature, Gollum: Don't hurt ussssss.

Frodo: Crap...

[Gollum is holding all their items in some form or fashion their not sure of and looks around from atop Ti's desk.]

Ti, freaking again: Get off my desk....whatever you are!

Sie, laughing: Only my luck would bring yet another character I abused in my spoof...

Star Wars characters: What is that?

Sie, answering: That is an annoying creature named Gollum with a speech impairment and a scitzo attitude that tries to get the Ring from Frodo in Lord of the Rings.

Gollum, eyeing Frodo: Nice Hobbitessss...(goes after Frodo dropping all the items he stole and chases the hobbit around the room while Sie just laughs)

Ti, to Sie: What did you do to Gollum?

Sie, innocently: Nothing....except make him gay and lust after Frodo. (Ti shakes head.)

Ti: What is it with you? (Sie shrugs shoulders.)

[Story plays out a little with everyone doing their own thing. Eventually Gollum leaves in some form or fashion that is unknown to the people in the room. Everyone gets their missing items back, and things resume to like they were, only slightly insane from sheer insanity. Story pans to Qui-Gon on Sie's couch with Gandalf on Ti's couch. The two begin laughing as they tell stories of Obi-Wan and Frodo.]

Qui-Gon: ....so there Obi-Wan and I were at this Corellian bar when we were sent to Alderaan. Obi-Wan was so drunk that he was performing a strip tease for the ladies and---

Obi-Wan, slightly drunk now and slurring: I wasss not dr-drunk!

Qui-Gon, smiling: So, you willingly did a stripe tease?

[Everyone laughs.]

Obi-Wan, trying to appear sober: I did not do such a thing! You said we should go to this bar to relax before we went on a mission...

Qui-Gon: And you believed me?

[Everyone laughs again.]

Gandalf: Reminds me of the time Frodo and three of his buds went to Bree, got drunk and decide to put on musical number for the group there.

[Everyone eyes Frodo as he turns bright red.]

Gandalf, continuing: If I remember correctly the bartender had a mess to clean up after Frodo fell over taking his three friends, the table, and the drinks with him.

[Everyone laughs now then Frodo crawls to Obi-Wan who knows his pain.]

Frodo, to Obi-Wan: Let me have some of that liquor. (Obi-Wan gives him some.)

[As Frodo, Obi-Wan, Aragorn, Anakin and Maul get drunk, Gandalf and Qui-Gon continue about the different adventures they've been on.]

Qui-Gon: ...so I said "There's always a bigger fish." (Gandalf laughs.)

Obi-Wan, more drunk than ever: Couldus you lay off that (stuttering) friggin' fish. Nobody cares!

[Moving back to Ti and Sie..]

Ti, to Sie: You just had to allow them to get into the liquor and wines, didn't you?

Sie, shrugging her shoulders: They're much calmer now...(ponders) if not funnier.

[Sie and Ti talk for a bit and notice that the noise in the room is getting louder so they stop talking and listen to the conversation.]

Obi-Wan: Fantasy sucks! It's all unrealistic crap!

Gandalf: With more of a plot purpose than sci-fi!

Frodo and Sam, in unison: Lord of the Rings rules!

Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan, in unison: Star Wars rules!

[A huge argument starts with some characters being more verbal than others. Sie and Ti listen thinking that things just got worse.]

Ti: I think Moulin Rouge is this best.

Obi-Wan: I agree with her!

Sie, laughing: Everyone will stop arguing sooner or later, and besides I like Star Wars and Lord of the Rings.

[The arguments die down. Most everyone is either too drunk to carry on the disagreement, or they just don't care enough and feel both movies are great box office hits. As the night creeps along, everyone slowly falls asleep.]


	5. Suicide, Schizos , Withdrawals....Oh my!

Two Weeks Later: Morning

Suicide, Schizos , Withdrawals....Oh my!

[By this time, everybody has gone a little over the edge. Sierra's sitting at her desk as usual with a blank stare, Tiarra is gripping her desk, Aragorn and Anakin are carrying on a conversation, Obi-Wan is pondering suicide in the corner as Maul is right by his side, Legolas remains "confused", staring at the wall, Gandalf is alone in a corner pondering what exactly he is here for and what his purpose is, the hobbits are drafting out plans to capture their beloveds, and Qui-Gon's on the couch thinking about how he's the only sane one left.]

Obi-Wan, on the brink of suicide: I gonna do it! I've got my lightsaber right here. I'm unhooking it,and I'm about to turn it on. I'm going to stab myself with it. I'm going to do it......right now.....

Anakin, irritated: If you don't shut-up and kill yourself, I'll gladly do it for you!!

Obi-Wan: What is there left for me to live for?

Sierra, depressed herself: There's always more contracts for you to get suckered into.

Tiarra, trying to be happy and helpful: Obi-Wan, you have some much to live for. You've got Anakin, your apprentice......who ends up turning to the dark side, taking over the galaxy, and killing all the Jedi, including you, all because you did an awful job teaching him......but other than that.....

Sierra: Geez, why don't you go over there and stab him yourself?

Obi-Wan, looking at his lightsaber: Tiarra, you're right, I shouldn't kill myself........I should kill HIM! (points to Anakin)

Qui-Gon: All right, that's enough! Nobody's killing anybody.

Sierra, talking about Anakin and Obi-Wan: You know, they have a love-kill relationship.......they love trying to kill each other.

[Scene pans over to Anakin and Aragorn, who are involved in a friendly conversation.]

Anakin: .......well I'm flattered that she's chasing me, but I just don't know if I feel the same way.

Aragorn: My girlfriend's an elf, and she's hot!! Her name's Arwen........(in a slightly different voice)...Of course she always falls for you!!!

Anakin: Pardon?

Aragorn: I can't help it if she loves me more than you......(different voice)...I never had a chance with her! You always took her away!

Anakin, concerned: Uh...Aragorn, are you ok?

Aragorn, to Anakin: Leave us alone, we're having a conversation!

Anakin, afraid: What's the matter with you?

Aragorn: I'll fight for her..... ok, put up your dukes, let's get down to it!

[Aragorn gets up and begins to try to hit himself with his fists, sometimes blocking them, sometimes not. At one point he begins to try to choke himself with one hand while the other hand holds back the choking hand. Now Anakin has moved back a few feet in a really short time. When the choking hand ceases to be a problem, Aragorn draws his sword and begins slashing at air and throwing himself back. He manages to back himself to a corner, ducks as if missing a slash, and falls to the ground and begins to roll around as if tackled. At this point, all eyes are on Aragorn. Anakin, bends down to pick up a bottle of medicine that has fallen out of Aragorn's pocket. Anakin brings the bottle to Sierra.]

Anakin: Did you know what kind of medicine this is?

Sie, taking the medication from Anakin: That's schizo medicine.

Qui-Gon: Well that explains a lot.

Gandalf, to Sierra: How are you so knowledgeable in this area?

Sie: I've had problems.

[All look to Ti, who's still gripping her desk]

Ti: She's joking.

Sie, whining: No, I'm not! (pauses seeing Ti gripping her desk) Why are you gripping your desk like that? (laughs)Afraid somebody's going to steal it?

Ti, gritting her teeth: I haven't had any coffee in a week!! I need my caffeine!

Sie: Kind of like I need my Lithium....but somebody took all of it. (glares at Legalos)

Ti: You have your addictions, I have mine! (sees the hobbits) Hobbits! Come here my little espressos!

[Frodo and Sam look up from their work and give each other a strange look.]

Sam: Do I go over there or not?

Frodo: I wouldn't.

Sam: But it's the first time she's ever called for me!

Frodo: Are you sure you want to answer to "espresso"?

[The hobbits quickly go back to their work. Tiarra notices a depressed Anakin slouched in a corner.]

Tiarra: Awww, Anakin, what's wrong?

Anakin: I just found out that my best friend's a schizo .

[Story pans to Aragorn still fighting with himself.]

Obi-Wan, to Anakin: I thought I was your best friend. (Anakin gives him an evil glare.)

Tiarra, going to Anakin with open arms: Come here my tall Cafe Latte!

Anakin, glancing at Ti and then looking at Sie for advice. Sie shakes her head and mouths a "no." Tiarra gets up and goes over to Anakin, who gets up and runs. Tiarra gives up and goes over to pout with Obi-Wan]

Ti, to Obi-Wan: I hate men.

Obi-Wan, glances at Maul, then looks back at Ti: Me too.

[Legalos, after staring at the wall the whole time, gets up, grabs Sierra and Maul, and stands them in the middle of the room with Sie on one side and Maul on the other. Legolas begins comparing the two. Legolas babbles on about men and women, trying to figure out which one he likes.]

Sierra, to Maul: I feel like a freak in a sideshow. (looking at Maul) You look like a freak in a sideshow.

Maul: I get that a lot.

Sierra: Gee, I wonder why....your just a horny sith lord. (All heads raise at "horny".) ....Look at the horns on his head. 

Everyone: Oh.

[As night time approaches, Aragorn is still fighting with himself, until he becomes completely worn out. He lays on his back panting.]

Aragorn, to his other self: I'll get you next time!


	6. Shear Insanity

Three Weeks Later: Morning

Shear Insanity

[During the very early morning hours hammering can be heard as the hobbits put together their devious plans. As dawn approaches the hobbits pretend to sleep, as everyone begins to awake. Anakin and Tiarra sit on couch as he tries to convey his true feelings.]

Anakin: ....I've been doing some thinking lately, and I know that I haven't been the nicest person to you lately, but I was confused. After all, it's not everyday that I get stocked by a girl....

Tiarra, impatient: None of that really matters now, does it? 

[Tiarra gets up to go talk to Sierra at her desk while Obi-Wan comes over to comfort Anakin's broken heart. Unbeknownst to Sie and Ti, the two hobbits are watching them from a corner; they witness their plan in action as Sierra takes her already propped feet down from her desk triggering a long elaborate trap. As she moved her foot, the string attached to it breaks, releasing a bowling bowl that spirals down to a see-saw looking device, which launches a bag of sand in the air. The bag is caught by a hanging basket above. As the basket is pulled down by the weight, a small sword is released, swinging back and forth until it cuts a rope that releases a cage, which falls on Sie and Ti as they were walking to the middle of the room, watching the trap play out, amazed.]

Sie, in the cage: I'm impressed.

[Everyone now turns their attention to the two trapped writers while manically laughter is heard from the two hobbits.]

Hobbits, gloating: We've got you! We've got our preciousess!!

Sie, in awe of the trap: I'm very impressed.

Ti, to hobbits: I just have one question. Where did you get the cage? (looks at Sie) I don't have a cage.

[At this, all eyes turn to Sie.]

Gandalf: Let me guess, you've had some problems?

Sie, taken back by the looks: I don't have a cage! Honest. I will now, but I didn't before!

[Story pans to Obi-Wan and Anakin talking together on the couch.]

Obi-Wan: You know, now that Tiarra's trapped in a cage, this would be the perfect way to show her how you feel. You should rescue her.....you could be her Jedi Knight in shining...........cloak!

Qui-Gon, with a wild look in his eyes: Oh, now you two become buddy-buddy! After you've tried consistently to kill each other, all of a sudden NOW you're friends! (now going crazy, grabs a bit of his hair)....Do you see this? This is gray hair, and it's because of YOU! Both of you!

Obi-Wan, stammering: But, but Master!

Qui-Gon: Don't you "but Master" me! (points to Anakin) And you! You wouldn't even be here if it weren't for me! You'd still be on that planet of yours!

[Anakin and Obi-Wan are completely speechless. Qui-Gon grabs his lightsaber, threatening to kill the two. He chases Anakin and Obi-Wan around the room as another internal battle begins with Aragorn.]

Obi-Wan: He's gone bloody mad!!!!

Sie: That's the most interesting thing I've seen Qui-Gon do in a while. (to the hobbits) Now that you've caught us, what are you going to do with us?

[Both hobbits look at one another and turn back to face Sie and Ti.]

Frodo: We didn't think about that.

[Sie bangs her head on bars; Tiarra sits in the corner of the cage. Qui-Gon continues to chase Obi-Wan and Anakin around until Yoda and Mace pop up out of nowhere.]

Yoda, to Qui-Gon: All this, I have seen, to an asylum, you shall go!

Gandalf: Why does he talk backwards?

Mace, grabbing Qui-Gon: Come on, Qui-Gon.

Qui-Gon, points to Obi-Wan and Anakin: It's all their fault. They drove me crazy!

Mace, looking at Obi-Wan and Anakin: I don't doubt it, but still....murder is a bit extreme, don't you think?

[Mace finally drags Qui-Gon off as Yoda follows.]

Ti: I hope they take him to a happy place.

Sie: Come back soon!

[Next, Susan enters.]

Susan: I've changed my mind, I've come back for Legalos.....(sees cage)....um...why are you in a cage?

Sie, with extreme sarcasm: Because it's a nice change of pace from the desk. (bangs head on bars)

Ti: Don't ask.

[Legolas sees Susan, runs, and leaps into her arms.]

Legolas, happily: I've found my calling!! (They exit.)

Obi-Wan, to Anakin: Now that Qui-Gon's gone, you can go get your girl!

Anakin, to Sam: Look, I know you like Tiarra, but seriously.......

Sam: She mine, you can't have her!

Anakin, getting mad: She doesn't want you! She wants me!

Tiarra, from the cage: There's a simple solution.....you can fight for me!

Sie, confused: That's a simple solution?

Tiarra, to Sie: There's no way that Anakin can lose, so not only will I get out of this cage....I'll get him, too. (smiles deviously)

[Anakin and Sam face off. Anakin strips his cloak off in traditional Jedi fashion as Sam stands there smiling confidently. Anakin draws his lightsaber; Sam remains there, unarmed. Anakin takes a swing right over Sam's head, missing completely, miscalculating the hobbit's height.]

Obi-Wan, slowly: Must..... swing...... lower.

[Sam jumps up for a kick just as the camera pauses and spins 360 degrees, Matrix style, kicking Anakin in the chest. Anakin falls over and jumps back up, surprised.]

Anakin, acting as if the hit never happened: I'm ok!.....Bring it on hobbit! Hit me with your best shot!

[Sam brings his fist back, jumps, let's a rip and pops Anakin right in the jaw.]

Anakin: OW!!!

Obi-Wan, flinching: Oooo! That's going to sting tomorrow.

[From the cage Tiarra shakes her head while Sie remains on the verge of laughing. Back in the fight, Anakin swings his lightsaber low, as if to cut the hobbit in half. Sam jumps up, missing the blade by a foot and spin kicks Anakin in the face.]

Anakin: That's not fair! Why am I getting my ass kicked?

Sie, under her breath: Because you suck at fighting...

Sam: Because the power of the Force does not compare to the power of a hobbit!

Anakin: Obi-Wan, help me!

Obi-Wan: Fight your own battles.

[Frodo, trying to help out, tosses something black, which suspiciously looks like Sie's underwear, to Sam, who catches it, loads it with Tiarra's porcelain teddy bear, launches it and hits Anakin right in the nose. ]

Anakin: My nose! (faints at the sight of blood)

Ti, anxious: Anakin, get up!

Obi-Wan: Weakling!

Sie, to Obi-Wan: Right Obi-Wan, reminds me of somebody I know.

Frodo, holding Sam's arm up in the air: And the champ is Sam!!!

Gandalf, proudly: I trained them well.

[Tiarra shakes her head. Sam tosses the Sierra's underwear back to Frodo.]

Sierra: My underwear was not made to be used that way.

Maul, who had been watching the fight: That is the most messed up thing I've ever seen. 

Aragorn: We only have one thing to say...never underestimate a hobbit......(different tone, to self) You did once....(normal tone) Shut-up!

[At this point Obi-Wan has revived the beaten Anakin.]

Obi-Wan: I can't believe this! A six foot tall Jedi got beat by a three foot tall hobbit! Have I taught you nothing!?

Anakin, hand over bruise: No lectures, please!

Sam: I will now claim my prize!

Tiarra: Great.

Sierra, snickering: Can't say that plan worked out exactly like you wanted it!

[Sam opens the cage, let's Tiarra out and clings close to her.]

Sierra: I wish someone would fight over me and get me out of this cage. (looks at Obi-Wan) Obi-Wan, fight for me.....maybe you could actually win.

Anakin: Shut-up!

Obi-Wan, walking over to cage: Maybe we should re-negotiate that contract.

Sierra: Like Hell I will! (She tries to choke Obi-Wan through the bars, but he easily moves back). 

[Sierra looks over at Gandalf with her head leaned up against the bars.]

Sie, grinning evilly: Gandalf, you owe me a favor!

[Gandalf nods and from out of no where, two scantly dressed female hobbits appear.]

Sie, raising an eyebrow: Hooker hobbits?

Gandalf: It's the best I could do on such short notice.

[With a glance at the two female hobbits, Sam and Frodo's jaws drop, eyes widen, and tongues hang out, and they both run over to them. The four hobbits exit, and Gandalf makes the cage disappear. Tiarra runs over and kisses Anakin, who swings her around.]

Obi-Wan: I love happy endings!

Sie, going over to desk and propping feet up: This is too sappy for my taste. (to Gandalf) Thanks for the favors.

Gandalf: I guess I'll be going now.

Sie, slightly shocked: You could leave anytime, and you stayed?

Gandalf, shrugs: It was interesting. (Poof, he's gone!)

Aragorn, looks to Sie: I'll just let ourselves out. (He exits in some form or fashion unknown to the rest.)

Sie: I wish I knew how they did that.

Maul, finally spotting ship: My ship!!! I can't believe it! I'll be going now. Later! (hops aboard and takes off)]

Obi-Wan: Well, that was random.

Sie, to Obi-Wan: We, meaning me, you, Tiarra, and Anakin, are still trapped in this room together, and it's all your fault.

Obi-Wan: I get blamed for everything! 

[Obi-Wan bangs his head on the door, and the door opens. Everyone is shocked as they stare, amazed!]

Ti: Well, what do you know, you had to push it, not pull.

Obi-Wan: It's been fun! (quickly runs out)

Sie: You'd almost think he wanted to get out! (notices Tiarra and Anakin quite close on the couch) Ok...off to the closet with you two! 

[They go off to Tiarra's dressing room together. What they do is up to your imagination, as long as it's in a PG-13 fashion.]

Sie: Just another typical day in the office......next!

The End. 

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